When the NFL offered to send us free “fashion” apparel in exchange for some exposure, we instantly thought, “What’s the dumbest semi-sports-related thing we can ingest while wearing these fairly nice tops?” The answer, it turns out, is Gatorade cocktails, the recipes for which we found on a fairly disreputable website. Like idiots, we didn’t realize there were recipes, instead just relying on the list of ingredients found on the landing page to produce our chosen cocktails, “Uncle Fred’s Used Bedpan,” the “Tubthumper,” and the “Bloody Roadrunner.” Ill-prepared and outmatched, we soldiered forward like the Cleveland Browns offensive line, dead set on pushing our boozy football over drunkenness’ goal line in hopes of just accomplishing something for once, goddammit. The results were mixed, with—shocker!—most cocktails involving Gatorade tasting a bit like watery fruit punch. One drink, though, very nearly put us all off drinking forever. Recipes for the cocktails are at the links above so you can mix some up for your own gridiron action this weekend, if you dare.

All our sweet, sparkly NFL apparel is available at NFLShops.com.