Parents, are you sufficiently paranoid about THC-laced Halloween candy?

Photo: lisafx (iStock)

Attention parents: Halloween is fast approaching, and tis the season for ne’er-do-well reefer addicts to prey on your innocent children. The Johnstown, Pennsylvania police department wants you to remain vigilant, because the vast pothead conspiracy to lure the youth of America into their sordid heathen lifestyle is most definitely, 100% real:

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As you can see from the photos above, the police confiscated dozens of individually wrapped high-THC-content candies, which, if we’re going by street value, go for about $60 a pop. By the looks of it these dope fiends had invested well over $4,000 into their dastardly plot to indoctrinate children into their sick, debased lifestyle of potato chips, nature documentaries, and jazz.

Remember to always inspect your children’s candy when they return home from trick or treating, keeping an eye out not only for the devil’s gummy worms, but also for things like loose, unwrapped candies, which have very likely been injected with rat poison, or hand-dipped caramel apples, whose delectable candy coating is use to conceal the razorblades that have been inserted into the centers. If you actually discover any THC-laced candies, you can send them directly to me at The Takeout offices, where I will safely dispose of them for you.

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About the author

Allison Robicelli

Allison Robicelli is The Takeout staff writer, a former professional chef, host of The Robicelli Argument Clinic Podcast, the author of three books, and a swan meat influencer.