Remember when a policeman came to your elementary school to teach everyone about the dangers of the real world, where unscrupulous ne’er-do-wells lurked in the shadows, patiently waiting for innocent children to cross their path so they could force the kiddos to smoke marijuana? And do you remember how disappointed you were when you got to high school and couldn’t find a single damn person giving away this alleged free marijuana? I do. And trust me, I looked.
As far as I can tell, it seems that most people don’t like giving away free marijuana because it’s expensive, and they’d rather smoke it themselves. Besides, as far as “drugs” go, marijuana isn’t physically addictive, so if you’re a drug dealer hoping to lure children into your sordid web of sin, unless you’re throwing in some Taco Bell and Miles Davis records with that free weed, you’re not going to get any repeat business. But you know what is addictive? Sugar. And that’s why if you want to foster the next generation of stoners, this right here is the move:
“BEWARE,” read a September 28 tweet from Jaclyn Lee of Philadelphia’s Action News. “As Halloween gets closer, @BensalemPolice are warning parents to LOOK at your child’s candy before they eat it. They confiscated these snacks that look a lot like the real thing. All are laced with THC.” The photos feature several THC copycat novelty products in bags designed to look just like their name-brand counterparts: Cheetos, Nerds, SweeTarts, and more.
LOOK at that candy! I know adults who would be hard pressed to tell the difference between above-board candies and these THC-infused doppelgängers, which is why major candy companies have begun suing the pants off edibles manufacturers that dabble in copyright infringement.
However, there probably isn’t any actual cause for concern. In the tweet, there’s no actual indication that these candies were confiscated after being given to trick-or-treaters, or with any plan to distribute them to trick-or-treaters; they were likely just confiscated from adults who planned to use them as adults, because in Philadelphia, where the story originates, recreational THC edibles are still very much illegal. Twitter users cried foul on the claim in a number of other ways, too.
Besides, where I live in Maryland, those candies run between $30-50. According to United States Census, Bensalem’s population hovers around 60,ooo, and about 14,400 of those people are under the age of 18. If 40% of those kids go trick-or-treating this year, a competent local marijuana syndicate would need to hand out about $230,000 worth of free drugs if there’s any hope of indoctrinating Bensalem’s youth into a sick, debased lifestyle of potato chips, nature documentaries, and jazz. The children simply aren’t worth that.