As discussed among the Takeout staff this morning, there are certain contexts in which a chocolate penis might not be an entirely unwelcome gift. For one, it’s chocolate, and chocolate is rarely a displeasure to receive. For another, with respect to the myriad ways in which human beings can express carnal desire to one another, a cocoa knob is a lot more innocuous than many. It can serve as a proposition, a thank-you for services previously rendered, or just as the kind of everyday gift that says “thinking of you.”
In the case of a Waco, Texas resident, however, an edible candy cockgoblin can also serve as a threat, especially when it’s sent to a police official. The Waco Tribune-Herald chronicles one such case, which is now awaiting trial after a local man allegedly sent the confectioner’s schlong in question to a sheriff’s office employee, accompanied by a message “... suggesting that he engage in fellatio.” (The employee is said to have dated the accused’s ex-wife.) The man was arrested in late 2018 in the wake of an alleged “long history of improper communication with the victim,” and faces up to six months in jail if convicted.
The defendant’s lawyer maintains his client’s innocence, while also treating the case with an uncommon level of apoplexy for a situation involving a choco-wang: “Was it the size of it? Was it that it was chocolate and he prefers vanilla? I don’t know, but [the sheriff’s office official] will get to tell the jury and explain to them why he feels like this is a crime. I think a jury is going to think this is a complete waste of their time. If there has been other harassment, [the accused] isn’t charged with that. They have charged him with sending a candy bar.”
No date has been set for the trial as of yet, so we’ll bring things to a close by reminding everyone that all the best kinds of food are shaped like dicks: