Taste Test: Focolate

Illustration for article titled Taste Test: Focolate

Due to popular demand and the fact that we love trying weird foods and candies, The A.V. Club will now regularly feature "Taste Tests." Feel free to suggest disgusting and/or delicious new edibles for future installments: E-mail us at tastetest@theonion.com.


Focolate, his and hers 2-ounce bottles, $29.95 (plus $8 shipping/handling)

Douglas Burke and Laila S. Nabulsi, a pair of inventors (and "close friends"), have harnessed the awesome power of "wild-crafted herbs" to concoct Focolate (pronounced, hopefully, "fuck a lot"), a chocolate-y, syrupy aphrodisiac that promises to bestow enhanced sexual performance upon its imbibers. The prescription is simple: Either drink the entire bottle straight, or mix with your favorite beverage and then fuck. A lot.

Taste: Though chocolate is already believed to be an aphrodisiac, Burke (who holds a Ph.D. in physics) and Nabulsi (who holds a doctorate in "Oriental medicine") have blended gender-specific formulas to activate respective love muscles. The male-specific formula and the female formula taste pretty much the same, and there's no discernable difference when they're mixed together. And though they both contain tryptophane, men with high blood pressure or on antidepressants are urged not to partake. Depressed ladies, on the other hand, can guzzle away. And should the 2-ounce bottles not satisfy your romantic conquests, a pair of 8-ounce bottles is available for $99.95. (They're also available in sugar-free and same-sex bundles.) In spite of Focolate's boasts, and barring any unforeseen delayed effects, A.V. Clubbers insist they didn't feel any hornier than usual after ingesting it.

Office reactions:

— "It's not that chocolatey smelling. It smells like fake chocolate."

— "I like dark chocolate, and it didn't do for me."

— "It tastes like thick, cold hot chocolate."

— "It's like really runny dark chocolate! It's too runny."

— "It basically tastes like a melted Hershey bar."

— "At least it's only 100 calories, and if you're doing it right, you'll burn that right off."

— "Hey, it's dark chocolate. I think it's pretty good. If only it wasn't so grainy."

— "It doesn't taste good at all—it's like baker's chocolate."

— "All right, I'm getting turned on. Everybody back to work!"

— "The women's tastes like spicy licorice, or chocolate medicine."

— "I feel really dizzy." "Really? I suddenly feel really tired."

— "Drink the whole man-bottle and see if you get a chubby."

Where to get it: focolate.com


The Pig In Zen

I'm sorry, but…
Did they really combine "fuck" and "chocolate" or that name?

Next up: SEXBERRY!