Taste Test: Focolate

By  David Wolinsky

Due to popular demand and the
fact that we love trying weird foods and candies, The A.V.
Club will now regularly feature "Taste Tests." Feel free to suggest
disgusting and/or delicious new edibles for future installments: E-mail us at
 tastetest@theonion.com.

Focolate, his and hers 2-ounce bottles, $29.95
(plus $8 shipping/handling)

Douglas Burke and Laila S. Nabulsi, a pair of
inventors (and "close friends"), have harnessed the awesome power of
"wild-crafted herbs" to concoct Focolate (pronounced, hopefully, "fuck a lot"),
a chocolate-y, syrupy aphrodisiac that promises to bestow enhanced sexual
performance upon its imbibers. The prescription is simple: Either drink the
entire bottle straight, or mix with your favorite beverage and then fuck. A
lot.

Taste: Though chocolate is already believed to be an
aphrodisiac, Burke (who holds a Ph.D. in physics) and Nabulsi (who holds a
doctorate in "Oriental medicine") have blended gender-specific formulas to
activate respective love muscles. The male-specific formula and the female
formula taste pretty much the same, and there's no discernable difference when they're
mixed together. And though they both contain tryptophane, men with high blood
pressure or on antidepressants are urged not to partake. Depressed ladies, on
the other hand, can guzzle away. And should the 2-ounce bottles not satisfy
your romantic conquests, a pair of 8-ounce bottles is available for $99.95. (They're
also available in sugar-free and same-sex bundles.) In
spite of Focolate's boasts, and barring any unforeseen delayed effects, A.V.
Clubbers insist they didn't feel any
hornier than usual after ingesting it.

Office reactions:

— "It's not that chocolatey smelling. It smells
like fake chocolate."

— "I
like dark chocolate, and it didn't do for me."

— "It tastes like thick, cold hot chocolate."

— "It's like really runny dark chocolate! It's too
runny."

— "It basically tastes like a melted Hershey bar."

— "At least it's only 100 calories, and if you're
doing it right, you'll burn that right off."

— "Hey, it's dark chocolate. I think it's pretty
good. If only it wasn't so grainy."

— "It doesn't taste good at all—it's like
baker's chocolate."

— "All
right, I'm getting turned on. Everybody back to work!"

— "The women's tastes like spicy licorice, or
chocolate medicine."

— "I feel really dizzy." "Really? I suddenly feel
really tired."

— "Drink the whole man-bottle and see if you get a
chubby."

Where to get it: focolate.com

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