You might say that a stoner restaurant is like pornography: hard to define, but you’ll know it when you see it. But the experts at High Times, “the world’s leading source for daily cannabis news, weed information, and marijuana culture,” know there is a precise equation that produces the ultimate stoner restaurant. Using a four-part rating system, the masterminds at High Times declare Taco Bell the best stoner restaurant in America.
Here’s how the munchies algorithm works: Restaurants are graded on their menu (20 points), convenience (15 points), environment (10 points), and food quality (5 points). Taco Bell scored a 40/50, handily besting Denny’s and Little Caesars Pizza.
High Times’ categorical weighting is mostly correct, in my opinion. The menu is graded based on not just its large portions and grease factor, but on its customizability. As HT notes, it’s a stoner’s joy to be able to add a fried egg to a cheeseburger, or to get a side of French toast with your hamburger (this is why 24-hour diners rule, I contend). The scale also favors convenience, in terms of drive-thrus and delivery apps and minimal interaction with staff who can ask you terribly puzzling questions like what size soda you’d like.
My lone improvement to such a scientific equation would be to factor in the price of the meal; HT says it folded cost under the menu section, but I think it really deserves its own 5- or 10-point category. The ideal stoner restaurant would accept payment in lint-covered spare change. The ideal stoner restaurant won’t overcharge you for an order of fries and an Oreo milkshake. The ideal stoner restaurant won’t bat an eye when you hand them a decade-expired Blockbuster card instead of a Visa.