You know what? It’s almost the weekend. That’s why I’m willing to accept this latest piece of capitalistic buffoonery: The American Dairy Association has branded chocolate milk as the “official drink of Halloween.” Why? Because it’s “scary good.”
Fine. Let them have their fun.
In a press release, the American Dairy Association North East explains that the beverage is “hauntingly delicious,” which is, in my opinion, absolutely correct—although it still doesn’t explain why chocolate milk is the official beverage of Halloween. Why not, for example, blood-red fruit punch? Or buttermilk which, while very useful, is undeniably disconcerting? I could even make the case for beer. After all, what’s more bone-chilling than a gassy keg stand?
After a deep dive into the American Dairy website, I found that it’s been pitching chocolate milk as the official drink of Halloween since at least 2018. Take, for example, a press release from 2019 that explains how chocolate milk is a great way to placate kids whose parents “have worked ‘All Hallows’ Day’” (boo!) while giving them a “spine-chilling boost of energy.”
Sure. Go on, American Dairy.
I’m still a little shaky on the tenuous connection between chocolate milk and Halloween, although I do appreciate the punniness of “the drink that can make skeletons of any size happy and strong.” But if American Dairy could find a way to breed cows capable of shooting pre-made chocolate milk straight out of the teat? Hell, I’d shriek with delight.