Subway's Footlong Cookies Sound Overwhelming

Thanksgiving might be over, but the season of gorging on sweets has only just begun. National Cookie Day—because everything has a national day now—is on December 4, and Subway, a chain that sells chocolate chip cookies along with sandwiches, is rolling out a series of limited-time cookies in celebration of the holiday. And those cookies are really... something.

The chain famous for its footlong (or almost footlong) sandwiches is now foraying into the world of footlong (or almost footlong) cookies. According to a press release, for one day only, a Subway location in Miami will be offering four varieties of sub-sized cookie, each inspired by the sandwiches on the chain's Subway Series menu.

First, there's the Subway Cookie Club. Think of it as a layered club sandwich, but with cookies. It's a double chocolate cookie covered in vanilla frosting and then topped with ... more cookies. Chocolate chip, white chocolate macadamia, and raspberry cheesecake all make appearances, as well as a dose of sprinkles, chocolate sauce, and raspberry sauce.

If just reading all that makes your blood sugar rise, you can opt for the slightly less rich MexiCali, inspired by the sandwich of the same name. It's a sugar cookie covered in dulce de leche, mole, corn nuts, white chocolate sauce, ground coffee, Tajín, and espresso chips. Actually, maybe this is just as sweet as the one that preceded it.

For peanut butter lovers, there's The Monster: a double chocolate cookie smothered in peanut butter and topped with peanut butter cups, Reese's pieces, butterscotch chips, and pretzels, covered in both chocolate and white chocolate sauces. Not sure how this is related to The Monster sub, which features steak, bacon, cheddar, green peppers, red onions, and ranch, but Subway says they're both "beasts."

Perhaps the strangest offering, though, is The Great Pickle, inspired by Subway's The Great Garlic sandwich. In stark contrast to the overwhelming decadence of its cookie siblings, The Great Pickle takes a sugar cookie and covers it in peanut butter and marshmallow crème before topping it with pickles, bacon, and potato chips. Per the press release, the pickle is the cookie's "star ingredient." (We know a thing or two about that.)

Needless to say, this promotion seems like it's more about generating buzz than meaningfully expanding Subway's dessert menu. Reading over how Subway describes these cookies, it's like listening to an actor in New York talk about what they do for a living: "I sing, and I dance, and I act, and I model, and I write, and I produce, and I have a webseries, and I do TikTok, and I do improv, and I'm getting my yoga certificaiton." Jack of all trades, master of none.

I imagine the entire day will go something like this: Customers will show up for these ostentatious cookie boats out of morbid curiosity. Each person will take one bite pucker their lips. They will then throw out the remaining 8 inches of the cookie, unable to finish, and the rats will have a field day.