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Although some admit that the sauce slice will certainly be less messy than a shirt-staining squirt of ketchup can be. But then again, how big of a fucking slob are you where having your shirts stained by errant ketchup is a frequent problem?

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Even with the considerable possible mess, we’re not having it. Call us purists, but Heinz ketchup is a perfect condiment that needs no alteration or innovation, full stop. Maybe those crafty condiment types can move on and fuss around with a new mustard chutney or relish powder or something. Commenters thinking about posting “ketchup is fucking disgusting”—we love you, but don’t @ us. We’ve got young kids, and ketchup for parents is like a culinary iPad—it keeps our young ones quiet and occupied at restaurants.