Stop Messing With Our Ketchup, Man

It's not too often that a perfect product is formed, but there is one that we will stand by proudly: Heinz Ketchup. We're not big fans of monopolies or anything, and we have no financial agreements with Heinz, but there really is no need for any other brand of America's most beloved condiment. Hunt's, Del Monte, homemade artisan offshoots, forget it. We want the Heinz, and we can immediately tell if you're trying to slip something else past us.

So it's not too surprising that a new ketchup product was met with some controversy. Time reports that a California food entrepreneur has launched a Kickstarter to hopefully launch a new product called Slice Of Sauce. It's called a "ketchup slice," and it appears to resemble a ketchup fruit rollup. Yes, we know tomatoes are technically fruit, but it's honestly hard to imagine a less-welcome burger addition.

Naturally, many on Twitter agree:

Although some admit that the sauce slice will certainly be less messy than a shirt-staining squirt of ketchup can be. But then again, how big of a fucking slob are you where having your shirts stained by errant ketchup is a frequent problem?

I'm not sure if this product is necessary, but here you go: You can now buy SLICED KETCHUP. No more squirting ketchup onto your burgers like a caveman now you can just drop on a clean, neat slice, like it's cheese. pic.twitter.com/SXm8NraTvf

— Johnny Marks (@DJJohnnyMarks) March 26, 2018

Even with the considerable possible mess, we're not having it. Call us purists, but Heinz ketchup is a perfect condiment that needs no alteration or innovation, full stop. Maybe those crafty condiment types can move on and fuss around with a new mustard chutney or relish powder or something. Commenters thinking about posting "ketchup is fucking disgusting"—we love you, but don't @ us. We've got young kids, and ketchup for parents is like a culinary iPad—it keeps our young ones quiet and occupied at restaurants.