Stilton cheese-rolling festival canceled because goddamn kids think it’s uncool

Photo: Jordan Mansfield/Getty Images
Photo: Jordan Mansfield/Getty Images

You kids don’t know how good you have it. I, in my thirties, am not that much older, but in high school we had to insert quarters in a dirty machine to call our parents! Our video game controllers only had two buttons—jump and fire! Like it was the fucking Stone Age.


You’ve ruined music. You’ve ruined photography (no one takes vertical pictures, ya dumb turds). You’ve ruined Tide pods. Now you’ve ruined the annual Stilton Cheese Rolling event. Organizers have announced its cancellation after 30-plus years, because, according to a Facebook post from the Stilton Parish Council: “[For] the young people… it is no longer seen as ‘cool.’”

The Stilton Cheese Rolling event has gone on for three-plus decades. Teams would roll a piece of wood, fashioned into a cylindrical Stilton cheese-shape, and roll it down the street in the center of town. But in recent years, costs have gone up, and police presence is not possible without paying “a considerable fee.” Event organizers say underage drinking and parking issues have caused problems, in addition to verbal abuse against volunteers. There’s also been a declining lack of interest: In 2017, only two teams registered, when organizers were seeking a dozen or more entrants.

Not surprisingly, many are upset over the cancelation. Said one resident to the Metro: 

Getting arrested at cheese rolling every year for getting drunk and fighting was part of my childhood. I’m gutted that my children will not be able to enjoy this family ritual.

You smirkin’ at me, ya snot-nosed punk? Get back here… did you just flip me off? Up yours, too!

Kevin Pang was the founding editor of The Takeout, and director of the documentary For Grace.


Cayde-6's Unloaded Dice

Note that the guy complaining about the demise of the tradition is complaining not about the cheese rolling, but about not being able to get ARRESTED at the cheese rolling. You know, one of the things that made it more difficult to organize the cheese rolling.