Last Call: This is the national monument America deserves

Illustration for article titled Last Call: This is the national monument America deserves
Photo: gguy44 (iStock)

America, my America, oh how it is so beautiful. From the rocky cliffs of Maine to the turquoise beaches of the Florida Keys, across the golden windswept plains and over the Rocky Mountains, to the towering forests of California and the icy expanse of Alaska, America is a glorious land full of natural wonder. We, as a nation, aspire to be deserving of its majesty. We carve gigantic faces into the sides of mountains. We erect needles that point up to space. We light up the desert with an oasis of neon and vice. We mark our nation’s capital with a 555-foot-tall white wang. And now, in the town of Boerne, Texas, man has erected our newest national monument—an emblem of our spirit and a shining beacon calling to one and all, reminding us that even in these divided times, we are all, in our hearts, proud to be Americans:


I only learned about this national treasure last night, so I have not yet been able to make the pilgrimage to Texas to absorb the magnitude of this sign in person. I was, however, able to make a friend on Twitter who lives in Boerne and who provided more information about our newest national monument: “It was a barbecue joint on the south end of the main drag that was getting good reviews, but shut down suddenly about a year ago. I have no clue why the dentist thought it was okay to put the mouth on the pig silhouette. It’s weird even for South Texas.”

Surprisingly, the town does not seem to be capitalizing on the attraction, perhaps because a town of 16,000 is not prepared for the massive influx of tourists that are bound to be pouring in any day now. I cannot wait until my day finally comes.

Allison Robicelli is a JBFA-nominated food & humor writer, former professional chef, author of four (quite good) books, and The People's Hot Pocket Princess. Need cooking advice? Tweet me @Robicellis.



Horrifying.  Is the disembodied mouth eating the pig, or does the pig have a side-mouth it will eat me with?