Photo: Joshua Blanchard / Stringer (Getty Images)

Attention drivers: “Taco Bell’s about to close, bro, I gotta move fast” is not an excuse law enforcement officials will accept as justification for going 30-plus miles over the speed limit.

I speak not from personal experience, alas, having abandoned the roads long ago in favor of Chicago’s public transit system. No, this knowledge comes from FOX9 in Minnesota, which reports on two delicious excuses speeding motorists recently provided to presumably bemused cops. The first, and best, is that described above: a driver going 99 mph in a 65 zone said they were “trying to make it to Taco Bell before it closed,” and I get that the brand wants us to Live Mas and whatnot, but that seems like a lot of miles per hour, does it not?

While that’s certainly the wildest excuse provided in the report, there’s also this gem: a motorist “just picked up a glass cake pan from a friend” and was “excited to get home and start cooking.” That driver was going 10 over in a 35 m.p.h. zone, so that’s relatively tame, and honestly, who among us has not pushed the pedal down in hopes of hastening one’s cake construction and consumption?

Another driver said they were trying to get some air moving through the car because the A.C. was broken, but that’s got nothing to do with food, so, you know, lame excuse.

This concludes our speed-related, food-adjacent news coverage. Thank you for your time.

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