When I finally got my hands on a SodaStream four or five years ago, I couldn’t wait to carbonate all the things. Yeah, you’re only supposed to use it for water, I know, but who could resist the freakish novelty of carbonated milk, rum, and wine? (I cannot recommend any of the three.)
As a carbonation innovator myself, this week’s news that SodaStream debuted a sparkling wine line in Germany should validate me. But it doesn’t. There’s more fine print on this news than there are coupons on a CVS receipt, so allow me to kill your buzz.
First, the sparkling wine “beverage innovation” is actually just a pouch of sweet Riesling wine concentrate that you mix into your fizzy water. I have to backhandedly give it to SodaStream for managing to turn one of the world’s classiest beverages into no better than marathon goo.
OK, so you’ve mixed up a batch of goo wine and invited the ladies over for a Live, Laugh, Love-themed happy hour. How often are you really going to do this? Do you need a countertop space-eating SodaStream to replace the $7 bottle of actual sparkling wine you could easily pick up at the grocery store?
If we’re going to applaud anyone for bringing more basic bitch wine into our kitchens, my standing ovation goes to the woman who turned her refrigerator into a vino fountain.