When I finally got my hands on a SodaStream four or five years ago, I couldn’t wait to carbonate all the things. Yeah, you’re only supposed to use it for water, I know, but who could resist the freakish novelty of carbonated milk, rum, and wine? (I cannot recommend any of the three.)

As a carbonation innovator myself, this week’s news that SodaStream debuted a sparkling wine line in Germany should validate me. But it doesn’t. There’s more fine print on this news than there are coupons on a CVS receipt, so allow me to kill your buzz.

First, the sparkling wine “beverage innovation” is actually just a pouch of sweet Riesling wine concentrate that you mix into your fizzy water. I have to backhandedly give it to SodaStream for managing to turn one of the world’s classiest beverages into no better than marathon goo.

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OK, so you’ve mixed up a batch of goo wine and invited the ladies over for a Live, Laugh, Love-themed happy hour. How often are you really going to do this? Do you need a countertop space-eating SodaStream to replace the $7 bottle of actual sparkling wine you could easily pick up at the grocery store?

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If we’re going to applaud anyone for bringing more basic bitch wine into our kitchens, my standing ovation goes to the woman who turned her refrigerator into a vino fountain.