Photo: Ozgur Coskun (iStock)

Today’s jangling keys holding our nation’s attention rapt come courtesy of bagels. Some guy tweeted, and then someone else hit the retweet button, and then a few more did, and soon it became impossible to miss this photograph of vertically pre-sliced bagels.

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As is the wont of humans, whenever an unfamiliar custom incongruous to our belief system is presented, we recoil, and as is the wont of the internet, the reaction did not match the outrage. Have you seen the comments below this tweet? I’ll spare you, dear reader: “No!” “Fuck you!” “GTFO!” “You psychopath!” “[Celebrity finger-wagging GIF]”

This is all very silly, because if you give five seconds of rational thought, cutting a bagel vertically is a great idea. Here’s how we reacted on Slack:

And then:

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Ultimately, we see two advantages: 1) The ability to not ingest an entire or half bagel is a positive, unless you enjoy eating the density equivalent of a whole loaf of bread compressed into a doughnut-shaped mass. It’s for this reason we prefer lox and cream cheese on toasted English muffins. 2) More toasted surface area = more crunch:

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The Takeout’s official decree: This is good! Thank you, St. Louis (supposedly), for this idea. It’s a far better gift to the world than your goddamn pizza.