Science proves people who like sweet snacks are hot and fun

Man pretends to bite into large cake
Looking hot and fun, sir!
Photo: Jam Media / Contributor (Getty Images)

I spend every waking moment positively begging to be classified on the internet. “If you’re a Virgo, you probably look great in green.” Excellent, green it is. “If your parents worked late when you were in junior high, these memes are for you.” Wonderful, give me the memes. Now, a dubious study tells me that folks with a sweet tooth are more likely to be more creative, adventurous, organized, and interested in trying new things. Finally! As a perennial consumer of midday ice cream, this is fabulous news.

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People reported on the survey, which involved 2,000 “general population Americans” and explored the major personality differences between those who prefer sweet treats and those who prefer savory snacks. Commissioned by food gift retailer Hickory Farms, the study resulted in several findings that flatter my idiot ego:

  • Sweet snackers are more likely to snack while hanging out with friends or during a game night. Sorry to the savory snackers, who only consume snacks while locked in a dank closet under the stairs.
  • Sweets lovers are more inclined to spend time at the beach, at a museum, or soaking up the wilderness. Savory snackers would rather go shopping at a mall. Interesting.
  • Savory snackers enjoy science-fiction movies, historical fiction books, and documentary TV series. Sweet snackers were drawn to comedies and mysteries. This doesn’t really resonate with me as I will consume all types of television, always, forever.

Ultimately, these results are completely meaningless. With just 2,000 participants and a questionable employment of the scientific method, the study results are probably about as accurate as me racing through a private college campus and offering a free high five to anyone who identifies as an intellectual. And yet, I will be using these study results to justify my relentless candy snacking until the day I die. I am hot and fun!

Staff writer @ The Takeout, joke writer elsewhere. Wrangling dogs and pork shoulder in Chicago.

DISCUSSION

diabolik7
Diabolik

Those who like savoury snacks are also hot, occasionally caused by the meat sweats...