Sink Into The Deepest Sense Of Calm With Hemp Infused Seltzer

Welcome to Like A Virgin, a column in which we recommend a different zero-ABV drink each week. They're not "near beers," they're not "mocktails"—they're delicious beverages that anyone and everyone should try at least once. Got an idea for a future Like A Virgin column? Email us at hello@thetakeout.com.

Whenever I write another exciting installment of Like A Virgin, I actively drink the beverage in question as I'm typing away, visualizing myself living whichever lifestyle said beverage's branding suggests. Sometimes that means picturing myself on a yacht cruising around the azure expanses of the Mediterranean. Sometimes I'm a sophisticated (and ruthless) railroad tycoon, sitting in a tufted leather chair aside the dim glow of a library lamp, a nightcap in one hand, a copy of Moby Dick in the other. And sometimes, I drink four CBD drinks in an afternoon and pretend I'm a gelatinous blob floating in a in a pond, unable to swim to shore because I have no bones.

Kaló is a gently flavored hemp-infused seltzer, and you should not drink four of them in a row. You should drink them, though, because as you may have gathered from the enticing visual I just burned into your brain, Kaló delivers the calm it advertises, which cannot be said of all CBD-spiked wellness beverages. Being someone whose primary source of hydration is flavored seltzer (seriously, I have a small "seltzer only" fridge in my living room), I found it was all too easy to mindlessly chug an entire can of Ruby Red Grapefruit after my first Kaló delivery, forgetting all about its purported powers until I melted into my couch like a Jell-O mold.

Kaló doesn't come with any psychoactive effects—an important point to make for sober folks who might be hesitant to drink any beverage with a noticeable physical effect. Instead, Kaló relaxed the muscles in my perpetually tense body, a sensation I was apparently in desperate need of. With the past two years of reality going straight off the rails, tension has become my baseline, and it was nice to set all those physical manifestations of rage aside for a little while.

The second time I tried Kaló (Peach Pomegranate, to be precise), I made a point to nurse it slowly over an hour, and did not have a repeat of the "all my bones are gone" effect. The descent into relaxation was so gradual, I didn't even notice a change until I took a pause to look for one. I'm assuming this is the way Kaló is supposed to be enjoyed, and truly, everything about it is enjoyable.

Then, there was this week, when I decided to put Kaló in the spotlight, and drank all eight flavors over two days so that I could paint a more complete picture for readers. You shall get no such picture, because I'm pretty sure my finger bones are made of rubber now, and it has taken a serious amount of effort to make it this far in my review. All the flavors are good, and I'll leave it at that. Remember to sip and savor; one can of Kaló is more than enough to help dissipate your latent rage, if only for a few hours.