Report: Millennials Can't Cook For Shit

We've already established that millennials spend no time cooking—or shopping at Costco, for that matter—because they're too busy ruining everything and/or Snapchatting. But just how inept is my generation at basic kitchen tasks? We're fucking imbeciles.

Home improvement website Porch surveyed 750 people, divided into Generation X, Baby Boomers, and millennials; and reported on their kitchen competency. Millennials, our cooking skills are a sad state of affairs: Nearly half of us, for example, said we'd be incapable of cooking a ribeye steak to medium temperature. Furthermore, only half of millennials said they could competently roast a chicken. (Look, I'm not Julia Child, but I could make you an edible roast chicken.)

The disappointment continues. A few choice stats: 56 percent of millennials could identify a garlic press; only 47 percent could braise a piece of meat; and 30 percent wouldn't know how to mince garlic. Boomers and Gen Xers are more adept at all those tasks, according to the report. Tom Brokaw may have been a bit over-the-top in his praise of "The Greatest Generation," but Baby Boomers were fighting overseas at what, 19 years old?, suturing wounds and shaping the course of world history. Fast forward, and 59 percent of millennials couldn't make salad dressing.

What is to blame, besides, obviously, our parents? Maybe millennials just aren't putting the time into learning to cook. As a generation, we cook fewer from-scratch meals than other generations, and only half of us use cookbooks to find recipes. Cookbooks and magazines often offer not just recipes, but techniques and lessons that are the foundation for lifelong culinary knowledge. Tonight, this millennial may just roast herself a chicken, just to prove she can. That's right, tonight's special is spite chicken.