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Hey, even a go-getter like our current VP Mike Pence has to put on the brakes once in a while, y’know? It’s got to be exhausting keeping track of what his crazy boss says, going home disappointed about cancelled meetings with North Korea, and running away from women he’s not married to. That’s why, as his wife Karen, a.k.a. “Mother,” told the current three-ring circus of the Conservative Political Action Conference, “If it’s Friday night, we better be having pizza for dinner–supreme thin crust with an O’Douls. Every Friday night.”

The New York Post reports that although the second lady’s folksy introduction was meant to loosen up a guy who makes a button-down shirt seem about as comfortable as a straightjacket, few were impressed by Mrs. Pence’s description of this kick-back end to the work week. “The revelation before a packed Conservative Political Action Conference was greeted by a smattering of claps, and some audible grumbles that their vice president’s idea of indulgence is non-alcoholic beer.” The hard-core Christian may try to imagine that there’s at least a trace of real alcohol in there, much like we did when we drank those vile concoctions when we were pregnant.

Crestfallen student and U.S. Marine reservist Noah Tagliaferri told the Post, “That guy is a phenomenal orator, just disappointed he drinks O’Doul’s. She might as well been like he gets pizza and has a woo woo.” Great, now we have to look up what a woo woo is… holy god, that looks terrible. But at least it has alcohol in it.