Photo: Garrett Aitken (iStock)

Devout readers know The Takeout has a policy of not yucking another person’s yum. You like loaded fries? Fine. We don’t, but these mistakes differences of opinion are what makes the world such a beautiful place! You might also think Imagine Dragons is a good band, and that’s fine because, well, we can’t all be right all the time.

But who among us is calling for thinner Reese’s peanut butter cups? I beg you, show yourselves. I may not agree with you, but truly, I want to understand! Reese’s apparently believes such people are out there, because the company in early March will debut Reese’s Thins, which are 40-percent thinner cups. I’m really struggling to keep my composure here. Thinner Reese’s? Why, cruel world? Reese’s cups are my favorite candy, and they are perfect just the way they are, unless the company wants to make them even larger, in which case, that’s also great! But I cannot in good conscience comprehend the appeal of less Reese’s per bite.

When Hershey North America president Michele Buck explained the concept of Reese’s Thins to People magazine, she said the new product will “appeal to those consumers who want something sweet with more permissibility.” Oh Ms. Buck, I do not need any damn person’s permission to enjoy a full, fat, squat, original Reese’s cup or two or 47. I am not interested in nibbling on a Reese’s Thin to mitigate the guilt you are projecting onto me—no. No. I am interested in hunkering down with a bag of thiccccccazzzzzz Reese’s cups and shoving them into my face with abandon until the orange and brown wrappers pad my couch like a waxy nest. THIS IS WHO I AM.

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I’m sorry. I lost my composure. That wasn’t cool, but I’ve taken a lap around the block, squeezed my stress ball, and I think I feel better now. Just, if you’re going to eat these Reese’s Thins, please do so outside my field of vision.