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Reddit raises the question: Should we bury our beans in the woods?

Illustration for article titled Reddit raises the question: Should we bury our beans in the woods?
Photo: Danita Delimont (Getty Images)

It’s time for your daily dose of Reddit nonsense! The latest dispatch comes from the /r/relationships subreddit via the relationships.txt Twitter account, and it’s a tale that includes beans, vegetarian chili, and, above all things, love in the time of coronavirus. Let’s dig in.

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Here’s what happened: a guy panic-purchased 45 cans of beans a few weeks ago. Now, he has 15 cans of chickpeas, 10 cans of black beans, 10 cans of kidney beans, and 10 cans of “pink beans” (pinto beans, I guess???). He goes into his cabinet to make chili and, lo and behold, all the beans are gone. He asks his girlfriend where said beans have gone off to. She explains that she has buried all the beans in the woods behind their apartment complex. This, apparently, was an effort to safeguard the bean stash if “things get bad” and the world is suddenly beset with “looters or whatever.” The OP told her this was ridiculous.

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“I’m just protecting our beans,” the Reddit poster’s girlfriend said, her rage simmering like a saucepan of pink beans on low heat.

The poster demanded to know where the beans were hidden, fully transparent with his desire to unearth the beans. The girlfriend refused to tell him, and a full-blown fight broke out.“I will never jeopardize the beans!” she snapped, storming away to the other room, because there’s literally nowhere else to storm off to these days. The two have not spoken since. Rumor has it, Reese Witherspoon has already optioned this Reddit post for a mystery-driven limited series, where secrets and betrayal and beans tear an upper-middle-class couple apart.

For what it’s worth, this whole thing sounds extremely fake. But the original poster insists it’s legit. For me, the biggest plot hole in here is: when could she have snuck 45 cans of beans out to the woods without her boyfriend noticing? Aren’t they, like the rest of us, stuck at home all the time? Wasn’t that the point of this man’s Great Bean Amassment of 2020? In any case, he ends with a question: “So confused. Is it normal for a girlfriend to bury beans or otherwise hide them?” Well, is it?

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DISCUSSION

hendenburg3
Cayde-6's Unloaded Dice

Okay, first off: If you’re worried about looters, you shouldn’t be burying them in a different location. After all, to access your beans, you’d need to go TO the woods, dig them up, and carry them BACK to your apartment. Which would give bean thieves ample opportunity to rob you of your precious beans.

Secondly, there is only one acceptable method of bean burial:
1) Place beans, water, molasses, and either bacon or salt pork into a crock
2) Dig a hole
3) Line the hole with hot coals from a fire.
4) Seal crock and place into hole
5) Cover the crock and coals with dirt
6) Dig up the next day