Photo: CLM Images/Getty Images

Terry Wayne Ward of DeMotte, Indiana died on Tuesday at the age of 71. We wished we got to know him. His obituary, published on Geisen Funeral Home’s website (and shared on social media from several Hoosier friends), is a masterclass in Midwest corn-pone humor, prose, and cynicism.

Some choice select passages:

Terry Wayne Ward, age 71, of DeMotte, IN, escaped this mortal realm on Tuesday, January 23rd, 2018, leaving behind 32 jars of Miracle Whip, 17 boxes of Hamburger Helper and multitudes of other random items that would prove helpful in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

We learn that Ward served in the Vietnam War and worked for 39 years as a telephone lineman, most recently for AT&T. He was an avid Chicago White Sox fan, loved hunting, ABBA, Bed Bath & Beyond, and free beer. The obit went on:

He despised “uppity foods” like hummus, which his family lovingly called “bean dip” for his benefit, which he loved consequently... Terry died knowing that The Blues Brothers was the best movie ever, (young) Clint Eastwood was the baddest-ass man on the planet, and hot sauce can be added to absolutely any food.

Everyone should aspire to an obituary like this. So God bless you, Terry Ward. We never knew you, but in our hearts you will forever be the most interesting man in Indiana.

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