Straight from Buckingham “Stop Asking If The Queen Is Still Alive” Palace, Queen Elizabeth II has launched her own sparkling wine in honor of her Platinum Jubilee. The milestone celebrates 70 years of being on the throne, which in some circles is known as “perhaps too long.”
The Buckingham Palace English Sparkling Wine costs 39 English pounds per bottle, which is roughly $53, which means that it’s perfect for pouring into a wine glass and saying, “I can’t believe this cost $53.” This particular royal wine is 50% chardonnay, 40% pinot noir, 10% pinot meunier, and 100% will taste like normal wine. The grapes were grown in Kent and West Sussex, which are best known to Americans as two locations within the cinematic universe of Skins (UK).
Unfortunately, this wine is only available for delivery in the UK, Germany, Australia, and New Zealand, which just goes to show that being Mommy’s favorite colony basically means nothing anymore.
Why is Queen Elizabeth II releasing tomato sauce and wine, though?
Queen Elizabeth II also released a line of condiments earlier this year, which begs the question: Why does the queen have to do any of this? Why is she doing it? Is it really to support the Royal Collection Trust, the Buckingham Palace organization in charge of taking care of the royal collections? Is she bored? Is she trying to convince us she’s alive? Does she want us to over-extrapolate her feelings about a basic marketing opportunity because that’ll distract us long enough for her to rehouse all her dogs because she’s secretly sick of them? Is having an alcohol line just a thing that rich people do because it’s the law, or whatever? There is absolutely no way of knowing.
Ultimately, one has to accept (okay, fine, I have to accept) that it’s not that deep. It’s the Queen’s wine. It makes sense. There’s a significant royal event this year, the royals have a devoted fanbase, and I’m sure people all over would gladly cough up the money to feel fancy. Colonialism sells, baby!