Pumpkin pie milk is the latest curiosity on supermarket shelves

Slice of pumpkin pie on ornate holiday table
It’s like this, but milk.
Image: Liliboas (Getty Images)

It’s Monday, which means it’s time for another intrusive thought. This time, I’m fixating on the phrase “pumpkin pie milk,” which brings to mind rows of caged gourds strapped to red-hot breast pumps, weeping as they ooze jug after jug of pumpkin-flavored milk from their pumpkin teats.

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Sounds tasty, yes? Fortunately, you can enjoy these violent delights for yourself: Rutter’s, a Pennsylvania-based dairy brand, has released a limited-edition pumpkin pie milk to enjoy with your pumpkin bread, pumpkin brownies, or pumpkin gnocchi. Autumn is upon us, reader, which means the whole “too much of a good thing” concept doesn’t really apply.

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Thus far, pumpkin pie milk has maintained a pretty low profile—that is, until food Instagrammer @JunkFoodintheTrunk3 posted about the product last week. So, what’s the story behind this funky milk? According to the brand’s website, Rutter’s has been churning out milky pleasures for 266 years. Unfortunately, the website doesn’t include any information about the pumpkin pie milk. The site does, however, feature something called chocolate peanut butter milk, which admittedly sounds wicked chuggable.

Ghoulish visions of over-milked pumpkins aside, I think pumpkin pie milk sounds perfectly splendid. Given the opportunity, I’d probably throw it in with my morning Chex or bake with it. The bad news: Rutter’s pumpkin pie milk is only available on the east coast where other Rutter’s products are sold. If your local supermarket carries Rutter’s products, just know that pumpkin pie milk might carry a bit of a premium: Last week, I wrote about the unfortunate Pumpkin Spice Tax that punishes good, honest people for enjoying seasonal treats. But if you’re somehow able to get your hands on a pint, please do report back. Until then, those milky gourds will be livin’ in my head rent-free.

Staff writer @ The Takeout. Pork shoulder princess @ Chicago.

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DISCUSSION

Your command of the theater of the mind is commendable. I had to take a (non pumpkin) milk bath to cool down.

I don’t see me buying this on my near monthly midnight grocery runs but might try it in my coffee at the next party or social gathering I attend. With things as they are, that will probably be in at least a year.