Cocktail onions: Fine. Cocktail wienies: Delicious. Cocktail avocados? Hold up there, England. Mashable reports that British purveyor of British things Marks & Spencer has introduced Spanish-grown “cocktail avocados,” pitless avocados whose thin skin doesn’t need peeling. Previously available mostly to high-end chefs, they’re the result of farmers forgoing cross-pollination, which means the fruit doesn’t develop a pit. And at just two to three inches in length, the look sort of like the gerkins of the avocado world. The Takeout staffers could not reach a consensus on the merits of this new produce, so here them out and form an opinion for yourself.
I am not here for your freakish avocado, Spain. It looks unnatural, like a horse walking on its hind legs or a baby with an old-man face. Avocados have pits like strawberries have caps and bananas have peels. And while I respect the seedless-watermelon analogy, I cannot sit idly by while we all embrace pitless or wrong-sized avocados. In my day, if we wanted to make guac, we had to walk up two miles uphill to the grocery store, and then we all sliced our hands off.
Back in olden times, apples once were acrid and bitter fruits, inedible raw and used mostly for cider-making. Eventually, many of those apple varietals were lost, and the ones that remain had a sweet, delicious flesh. This is what I call progress. Survival of the fittest. So too will the pitless avocado evolve to the top of the species. Firstly, its portability. What do hipsters love most? Carrying vogue shit in their pocket. Now you can eat avocado toast or guacamole walking down the street. Also, the pitless avocado was made for dum-dums with poor knife skills who seem to be injuring themselves (in record numbers) with the pitted avocado. This is the remedy. This is the way of the future.