’Tis the season for corporations and conglomerates to spread holiday cheer the only way they know how: by selling branded (and festive!) swag. The moment Halloween ended, my inbox started filling up with news of ugly holiday sweaters, RanchNog (exactly what it sounds like), the return of ham-scented spa kits... pretty much everything you dreamed about when you were a kid. Today, Pizza Hut is unveiling its tres chic holiday capsule collection for 2021, pictured below.
Even if the idea turning your holiday into a literal commercial has never appealed to you, I’m 99% positive that you want that Pizza Hut tree topper in the photo above, don’t you? I most certainly do, even though I grew up on the Pizza Hut–less streets of Brooklyn and have maybe had Pizza Hut five times in my entire life. The classy-kitsch aesthetic appeal of that stained-glass tree topper is irresistible; its resemblance to the old light fixtures that hung above each booth is positively uncanny, and I’d like to buy five. And guess what? I can’t even buy one of these damn things because they aren’t for sale.
Do I care about putting my family in matching Pizza Hut pajamas? Absolutely not. I do sincerely appreciate the Pizza Hut ornaments hung on that tree, but mostly I’m distracted by the beauty that crowns this lush Douglas Fir. Do I want to wrap my gifts in checkered-tablecloth-patterned wrapping paper? Of course I do, but not as badly as I want to turn the centerpiece of my holiday display into a booth at the chain restaurants of yesteryear.
If you have a Pizza Hut-loving person in your life, I’m sure they’d love one of those $39.99 matching pajama sets, or the $29.99 set of Pizza Hut ornaments, which does include a miniature version of the stained-glass light fixture, with which we’ll have to make do until Pizza Hut sees fit to make the tree topper a reality for the rest of us. Those red-stippled wine and rocks glasses (each $19.99 for a set of 2) are pretty damn classy, and for the kid in your life (definitely not you), there’s an $8.99 Matchbox play set, complete with delivery car. You can buy any of these fine non-tree topping items starting today at PizzaHutShop.com while supplies last, and if you do, please include a note about that tree topper with your order. I swear I will have one on my tree next Christmas... or else.