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Fruit, but make it fashion: Meet the new Pinkglow Pineapple

Pinkglow pineapple sliced on a cutting board
That ain’t ham!
Photo: Del Monte Produce

Pink pineapples are a thing now. Look at that gorgeous picture and take it in. Focus on your breath. What does this pineapple make you feel? Does it soothe you with its pale rosy glow? Do you desire to be one with this pineapple? Of course you do. This pineapple is the color of a tranquil aura, and fits in perfectly with Millennial-friendly aesthetics. Allow it to come into your heart, because after 16 years of development and two years of growing, it is finally time to welcome the Pinkglow pineapple into your life.

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Remarkably, this pineapple has been in the works since 2005, which is five whole years before Instagram was invented. Developed by Del Monte Fresh Produce and grown on a small tract of land in the Costa Rican jungle, Pinkglows can take up to 24 months to produce, meaning that harvests are ultra-limited and the pineapples are pretty dang expensive—available online only, a single three-pound Pinkglow retails for $49.99, delivery not included. It is worth it? I haven’t tried it so I couldn’t tell you, but Del Monte’s press release states the Pinkglow pineapple has “notes of candy aromatics and is sure to delight consumers of all ages,” so that sounds pretty promising.

If you’ve already blown through your pineapple budget for the month, Del Monte is running a sweepstakes where one lucky winner will receive “a virtual party for themselves and nine of their friends to celebrate the launch,” so you may want to start evaluating who your true friends are before you put your name in the hat. And what does a virtual launch party for an expensive pineapple entail? An exclusive mocktail giftset, a virtual mocktail masterclass from an “expert mixologist,” and one single Pinkglow pineapple. Possibly not the most ideal prize during a pandemic, but then again, your nine friends could go buy their own damn pineapples if they really cared about you and your pineapple party.

Allison Robicelli is The Takeout staff writer, a former professional chef, author of three books, and The People's Hot Pocket Princess. Questions about recipes/need cooking advice? Tweet @Robicellis.

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DISCUSSION

jcexc
JicagoChusticeExcession

As per the caption, that looks like a rancid, pustulent ham.