Today in “things we can’t believe we have to say”: don’t feed a moose your pizza

Illustration for article titled Today in “things we can’t believe we have to say”: don’t feed a moose your pizza
Photo: Mackenzie Yakimowski / EyeEm (Getty Images)

Moose are the largest members of the deer family; on the higher end, males can weigh as much as 1,5000 pounds, and when measured from their hooves up to their shoulders, they can be as tall as 6' 6". And then, situated at the top of their impressively muscular necks, are the antlers, which on average weigh about 4o pounds and can measure over six feet across from end to end. Take a moment to close your eyes and imagine that one of these hulking, magnificent beasts is standing only feet away from you. Picture its cold, dark eyes staring straight into yours, the scent of its breath, the shiver in your soul as you realize your insignificance within the colossal scope of the natural world. See the moose as it sees you. Listen to what your gut is telling you to do: run? Play dead? Feed the moose a pizza?

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I can’t believe anyone actually has to say this, but for the love of god, do not attempt to feed pizza to a moose. If the wildlife in our national parks and forests develop a taste for pizza or any other sort of human food, the animals will begin to move into populated areas where they are in danger of being euthanized. Plus, if the moose doesn’t like the toppings you selected, it will most certainly attack you. All the potentialities of feeding moose are laid out in this book, which we read to our children for a reason. 

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BePrepared has a handy guide on how to practice moose safety (“don’t give them food” is near the top of the list), and in the event of a moose attack, the guide recommends that you run, hide, curl up into a ball, and do your best to protect your skull and vital organs, because those are some massive hooves we’re talking about.

Allison Robicelli is The Takeout staff writer, a former professional chef, author of three books, and The People's Hot Pocket Princess. Questions about recipes/need cooking advice? Tweet @Robicellis.

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DISCUSSION

agb5
moistened bint

If you give a moose a pizza, he’ll ask for a Labatt’s. And you don’t want a drunk moose.