Sometimes you witness a brand promotion so disconcerting that you utter “Jesus Christ” under your breath. Today, that promotion comes courtesy of Papa John’s. The pizza chain announced yesterday that it will give away a motorized, vaguely Cronenbergian “Epic Stuffed Chair,” which is “carefully designed to offer sports and pizza fans a viewing experience like no other.” To win the chair, Papa John’s fans have to submit a video of their “totally epic moves.” Epic, indeed.
According to the press release, the sweepstakes is a promotion for the brand’s Epic Stuffed Crust Pizza that debuted in December 2020. The pizza apparently “delivers on taste and quality, combining Papa John’s fresh, never-frozen, original six-ingredient dough, hand-stuffed with extra cheese and baked to crispy, golden goodness.” Would I eat it in the Epic Stuffed Chair? Certainly. I’d eat it in a box. I’d eat it with a fox. I’d eat it with lox. Wait, no.
The sweepstakes also coincides with “the peak of the winter sports season,” hence the whole “epic” thing. To participate in the sweepstakes and enter to win the chair, plus a slew of other prizes, Papa John’s fans have to do the following: upload a video of themselves “doing epic stuff” to Instagram, Twitter, or TikTok using the hashtags #epicstuffs and #sweepstakes. “Epic” appears to be in the eye of the beholder here, presumably including everything from sick dunks and shredding gnar to killer trick shots and bitchin’ wheelies.
If your wheelie is bitchin’ enough, you could win the enormous “Epic Stuffed Chair” and a cash prize of $7,500. Valued at a startling $32,500, the chair features a reinforced pizza table, a smartphone holder, and a Garlic Sauce cup dispenser. It also has a 1.5 horsepower motor and WHEELS, so you can run over your roommate’s toes and scare your cat without leaving your easy chair.
Philips 3200 Series Espresso Machine With Milk Frother
The one you've waited for
This machine brews espresso, espresso lungo, americano, and regular coffee, as well as steams milk and dispenses plain old hot water.
The sweepstakes runs through February 14 with additional prizes (gift cards, branded sleeping bags, etc.) awarded weekly. Tell me, readers—what’s your most epic trick? Mine is opening and shutting my waffle iron. Gnarly.