Panera’s coffee subscriptions to keep parents alive this September

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Small child wears down father til he passes out; steals laptop to watch YouTube
Photo: Romona Robbins Photography (Getty Images)

I’ve been homeschooling my kids for almost two years now, and am beyond thrilled to welcome millions of new parents to my personal circle of hell. I swear to all you newbie homeschoolers out there: there will come a day where you’ll be able to parent, teach, and work from home without needing alone time in the closet, but that day is not coming any time soon. It could be days—decades, even—before your family finds a routine that works at least 30% of the time, so if you’re offered even the tiniest iota of help during these unprecedented times, take it. Like free coffee from Panera!

Starting tomorrow at 10 a. m. EST, singing up for a MyPanera Coffee Subscription this week will net you an entire month of free coffee, with no limit on how many cups you can grab a day. Then, instead of making your own coffee at home, you’ll “need to run out for a few minutes” several times a day, leaving your co-parent behind to fend for themselves while you enjoy a hot cup of joe in a Panera parking lot. You childless folk out there might never be able to understand what a big deal that is, and you can be grateful for that.

But wait, there’s more! If you’re one of the first 2,020 people who sign up, Panera will pay your WiFi bill for one month. If you don’t get lucky, you can still get free WiFi from Panera, in a way: the company has announced that it will be extending its WiFi radius beyond the bakery/cafe doors, so that’s one more thing you can enjoy in blissful solitude in the Panera parking lot. When your life is beautiful chaos, that sounds awful close to paradise.