Ohio man tries to blame 14 cases of stolen beer on his wife

Cans of beer connected by plastic six-pack rings
Photo: Education Images / Contributor (Getty Images)

If I were to, say, steal 14 cases of beer, I’d try to prepare a good cover story in case I got caught. A few examples:

  • NASA tasked me with defending the planet from an asteroid, and a giant beer tower is the only thing that’ll stop it.
  • I work for a dog rescue organization that serves sad three-legged dogs who can only drink beer.
  • The beer is for Poison frontman Bret Michaels, and he’ll pay for it later.

I would not try to blame the beer heist on my wife. Unfortunately, that’s what one Ohio man (allegedly) did when he was caught trying to pilfer 14 cases of Bud Light in Delhi Township, Ohio yesterday. Local news station WLWT5 reported on the incident, explaining that the unidentified man loaded up his cart with beer at a nearby Kroger, only to be caught by employees trying to exit the store with the beer. Police claim that, once caught, the man attempted to return the beer, “stating his wife bought the wrong beer.” Kroger employees reportedly tried to confirm the man’s story, but he eventually exited the store with his cart of stolen beer. That’s when Kroger employees called police, who reviewed the surveillance footage.

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The Delhi Township Police Department is asking for information on the man’s identity, but I say let him walk. First, if you check out the surveillance photo, you’ll see that the man is wearing a practical sandal, like a Birkenstock. I’m not one to mess with a man in a practical sandal. Second, the man’s probably feeling guilty about trying to blame the fiasco on his wife. Let him sit with that for a while. Finally, maybe he’s got plans for all that beer. If you see a flaming asteroid bounce off of a giant beer tower, you’ll know exactly who to thank.

Staff writer @ The Takeout, joke writer elsewhere. Wrangling dogs and pork shoulder in Chicago.

DISCUSSION

elgordo47
elgordo47

As a Canadian, my impression is that Ohio is basically north Florida.