Photo: McDonald’s

Remember that commercial for dog treats that was pretty much just a dog who, in heated inner monologue, yelled “BACON” over and over again?

Well, it would appear that someone over at McDonald’s exists in a similar headspace. To celebrate all the bacon McD’s is throwing onto its menu, the fast food giant will conduct a Bacon Hour. On Tuesday, January 29, from 4 p.m. to 5 p.m. (local time), one can visit one’s local participating McDonald’s and get one order of applewood smoked bacon—that’s two half-pieces of bacon, to be specific—with anything on the menu.

One hour, one order, two half-pieces. That’s it. That’s what you’ve got. In theory, that gives you the chance to customize two things, assuming that anything less than a quarter-piece of bacon won’t do much to your meal. This isn’t the kind of thing you just do on impulse. Such things require planning. As said in the Oscar-winning song from the soundtrack for 8 Mile, you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.*

The first question you must ask yourself: Do you want to use your bacon on a savory or sweet menu item? Actually, scratch that, let’s take one step back. Do you want to use your bacon on two dishes or one? This will affect your planning. If two, perhaps better to make really good use of it and add it to a Filet-O-Fish? You could also maximize bacon distribution by ordering one menu item twice, and adding each half-piece to one Sausage McGriddle. (I love a freakin’ McGriddle, they are so terrible and dumb and delicious.)

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Much also depends on the crispiness of the bacon. Say you want to get a sweet menu item. If you get, say, a caramel sundae, a piece of crispy bacon could be a weird salty spoon for you to use, since the ice cream is so soft anyway. But if the bacon isn’t crisp enough to be load-bearing, it might work shoved inside an apple pie. Hear me out here: Take a bite of the pie. Slide the bacon into the opening of the pie. Maybe bend it so that it matches the curve of the side of the pie. Or if that’s too messy, maybe just take soft-serve and use it as icing on the pie, then put the bacon on top. And of course, if it’s really crispy. you could crumble it up on top.

Some other thoughts:

  • Put in vanilla milkshake, curve, use as a straw
  • Add to McAffogato, revel in creation of new McBacAffOnOgato
  • Tear into tiny strips and tie around individual nugs like little salty bows
  • Add to Buttermilk Crispy Chicken Sandwich (not weird or cool, just sounds kinda good)
  • Crumble atop healthy apple slices
  • Open Happy Meal container, insert bacon, close Happy Meal container, put on Harry Belafonte song, shake in time to music, claim to have invented Meat Rattle
  • Eat by itself, alone

One last, largely unrelated note. We here at The Takeout like our bacon, but we love a good pun. This, McDonald’s, is a real let-down:

“When we said there’s no such thing as too much bacon, we weren’t kidding. January 29, we’ll be upping the bacon ante—the bac-ante, if you will—and celebrating this glorious food favorite like never before,” said Chef Michael Haracz, McDonald’s Manager of Culinary Innovation.

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McD’s, you’re good at fries and stuff, but that pun? We are bah-dah-dah-bah-dah NOT LOVIN’ IT. We gladly offer our services as pun consultants; please be aware that our fees are exorbitant.

* For the purposes of this thought experiment, we are assuming no one is going to cook their own bacon, bring it to a McDonald’s, and add it to the food. But hey, you do you.

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