Will these ranch dressing vending machines leave Angelenos drunk with power?

Graphic rendering of CRAVE vending machine on busy sidewalk
Graphic: Jack in the Box

Have you ever found yourself strolling the streets of Los Angeles, the hot sun beating down on the back of your neck, beads of sweat forming on your brow, eying the lithe passersby sipping green juices, and thought to yourself: “Man, I could really chug a cup of pure ranch dressing right about now?” If so, I’ve got great news: National Ranch Day is this Wednesday, March 10, and Angelenos can visit one of three ranch vending machines strewn throughout the city. Chug-a-lug!


According to a press release sent to The Takeout, Jack in the Box is behind the ranch vending machines. The brand dubbed them “CRAVE” vending machines, with CRAVE standing for: Cool (AF), Ranch, Automatic, Vending, Experience. Okay. That’s fine.

The release explains that Jack in the Box will scatter the machines around Los Angeles on Wednesday, and they’ll dish out free ranch to passersby from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. PST. The vending locations are as follows:

  • Santa Monica Place (between Nick and Tesla)
  • Hollywood & Highland (Hollywood Blvd across the street from El Capitan Theatre)
  • Grand Central Market (right off the sidewalk on Broadway)

The future is yours after you collect your free ranch from one of the “cool AF” (ugh) machines. You can dip a burrito in your ranch. You can pour it over some carrot sticks if you happen to be eating those on the go. You can challenge your friends to a ranch chugging contest, which seems like an apt way to spend a warm L.A. spring weekday. Whatever you do, just remember: when buttermilk is involved, moderation is best.

Staff writer @ The Takeout, joke writer elsewhere. Wrangling dogs and pork shoulder in Chicago.


Dream Theater of the Absurd

“cool AF”

I know expressions like this have been popular with the “kids” (i.e., anyone who was born after I graduated HS), but now they’re played out AF.

And ranch is a piss-poor substitute for blue cheese dressing.  I’m ready to die on this hill.