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Liquid Death produces an entire metal album inspired by its worst online reviews

Illustration for article titled Liquid Death produces an entire metal album inspired by its worst online reviews
Image: Liquid Death

I am a woman of eclectic tastes and passions, who is enamored by the beauty buried deep within chaos. I relax to heavy metal and find an almost religious solace in mosh pits. Hate mail, outraged internet comments, and expressions of umbrage in Amazon reviews are all obscenely hilarious to me. (In fact, after my first cookbook was released I slapped one of my favorite online reviews onto my business card and kept it there for two whole years.) And, perhaps less related, I love seltzer, and I keep a mini fridge in my living room fully stocked with sparkling water.

Literally my business card from 2014-15
Literally my business card from 2014-15

Earlier this week, I received a press release informing me that all these passions of mine were miraculously coming together in a single promotional campaign. At first I became incredibly suspicious of this too-good-to-be-true news and swept my home for hidden cameras and listening devices. I threw on some Gojira, slipped into a deep meditation, and tried to determine if I had possibly been incepted by a PR firm. It all seemed too good to be true! I have been waiting my entire life for a sparking water brand to understand me on a spiritual level. Today, I am reborn.


Ladies and gentlemen, if you have not yet had the pleasure, let me introduce you to Liquid Death, which has become my new favorite brand of still and sparkling water for three reasons: It comes in aluminum cans, which are infinitely recyclable; their branding is satirical and, in my opinion, brilliant; and because they took a whole bunch of hate comments from their social media and online reviews and turned them into a legitimately excellent death metal album:

The album’s vocals are from Torin Ridgeway and Jim Malone of Arsis; the band and production squad is made up of Rios (Malevolent Creation, Divine Empire, Upon Infliction), Matt Laplant (Nonpoint, Skindred, Malevolent Creation, etc.), Seth Ringler (Upon Infliction). You can listen to the full album here and find the album artwork + lyrics here. And for the seltzer-loving metalheads who enjoy angry commenters and are major audiophiles, you can order Greatest Hates on vinyl, because Liquid Death does not fuck around, nor should they.

I really hope other brands are paying attention to this, because this is exactly the kind of excitement I crave from my consumer packaged goods. Maybe I should mount a Twitter campaign to convince Hot Pockets to start experimenting with dubstep.

Allison Robicelli is The Takeout staff writer, a former professional chef, author of three books, and The People's Hot Pocket Princess. Questions about recipes/need cooking advice? Tweet @Robicellis.

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Edgar Allan Bro

Does it taste good?  I really only give a shit if it tastes good.  And honestly, even if it did, this brand just seems sooo... Idk...  try-hard?  I don’t need my universe polluted by that thirst