Last Call: What are the best foods to keep in your pants?

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Next week the weather on the east coast is going to be sunny and bright, and I am going to get myself one of those fancy new vaccines everybody’s talking about. In a few weeks I am going to be headed outside, and I am never setting foot in this house again. I am sick of looking at these walls, sick of making the best of a bad situation, and sick of cleaning this damn place. Once I set foot out the door I don’t know where I’ll be going or what I’ll be doing, but the details don’t matter, do they? As long as it’s not here, and I don’t have to do dishes.

While I would like to celebrate the free days ahead in restaurants, realistically, I can’t afford to be doing that three meals a day, plus dessert, seven days a week. If I’m going to be out galavanting all the damn time I need to figure out some way to stay fed, and that’s why I’m beginning to think about pocket foods that I can carry about with me, much like a squirrel or woodland chipmunk. And I don’t mean hard candy or trail mix—I mean actual food that makes me feel that I’m living my life to the fullest. I’m going to start wearing smart jackets stuffed with Jamaican beef patties that jut out like pocket squares. Maybe I can fabricate a trench coat with multiple interior pockets I can fill with Italian cold cuts. When it comes to ideal pocket foods there are multiple things you need to consider, like distribution of weight and general aerodynamics. (It is very hard to run with canned beans in your pants.) For the past year my life has been mostly sedentary, but now that I expect to spend the majority of my time skipping through fields, I need to find foods that can hold up to all the leaping and twirling that entails. Maybe Go-Gurt? You guys have any ideas?