Today marks 13 years of wedded bliss for me and this guy:
Related: The Takeout’s beer queen and managing editor Kate Bernot is back to work today after taking a short break to go get herself married. I figured for Last Call, I should share 13 things I’ve learned about marriage because it’s festive.
1. By “festive,” I mean, “No seriously this is the most anniversary-ish thing I am doing all day.” I don’t want flowers, because my cats will just eat them and vomit all over my couch. We’re not going out to dinner, because it’s a school night. I don’t like jewelry, and don’t really need a gift. None of this happens because after 13 years the magic gets dull. It’s because you realize that your anniversary is an arbitrary date that has nothing to do with your relationship and everything to do with venue availability. There have been far more important days in our lives together than the one where we threw a party.
2. I know our wedding was fun, but honestly, I don’t remember any of it by now. Wish we had taken that money and traveled instead. I would have remembered that.
3. In 13 years you will no longer have relationships with a third of the people in your wedding album. Every time you look at it, all you’ll think of is the unfortunate things that have happened to many of them. The more people you invite that are in their 20s, the longer that list of unfortunate developments will be.
2. Marriage is a vow to troll the same person, over and over again, for the rest of your life. Don’t you ever forget that. It’s a sacred responsibility.
3. An awesome thing about being married for 13 years is you think “I should reference one of our private jokes in this super festive thing I’m writing,” and then you realize it’s impossible to think of one because 100% of your life is an excessively complicated private joke.
4. Marriage is a goddamn job. We’re always working on it, because we’re not the same people we were 13 years ago. We’re not even the same people we were 13 months ago. Marriage is not a stagnant concept, and it only works if you do.
5. You’ll never both be able to decide on the same restaurant, so just take turns picking.
6. There is no such thing as smooth sailing. Remember, one of you is going to, eventually, watch the other one die.
7-13. You guys fill these last ones in the comments. That’s enough festiveness for me on a school night.