My kids have been pushing me hard to do cooking TikToks with them, but I keep saying no because it feels like too much work. I don’t think I can find the energy for anything that involves editing and putting on makeup. In fact, I deleted TikTok in part to prevent them stealing my phone to produce counterfeit TikToks using my personal brand. If those kids want to slap my name and likeness on 60-second videos of them flinging mayonnaise at each other (or whatever it is that Gen Z does nowadays), they need to fork over at least half their allowances for licensing and royalties.
However, last week I re-downloaded the app after being reminded of a story I wrote last May about John “Papa John” Schnatter joining TikTok, because he, as an abstract concept, is fascinating. I’ve watched every video this man has posted at least 20 times, but this one has gotten at least double that because I continually find myself hypnotized by his choice of wardrobe.
I’ve wasted nearly an hour of my life watching this video and I still can’t tell you what it’s about, because I’ve become hypnotized by the shirt. I can never own one myself, nor can I recommend that you purchase one, because proceeds go to the-artist-formerly-known-as-Papa John’s charitable foundation, and who knows what sort of shenanigans that money is going to. When Newsweek runs a headline that reads “Papa John’s ECO Steps Down After Gaining Neo-Nazi Support,” it really makes you wonder how badly you need an ironically sacrilegious T-shirt.
I should probably start following some TikTok accounts that aren’t ThePapaJohnSchnatter for both my mental health and the purity of my soul. Who are some of your favorite people on TikTok I should be checking out?