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Last Call: Fudge-O-Saurus Fudge Stripes are an insult to cookiedom

Illustration for article titled Last Call: Fudge-O-Saurus Fudge Stripes are an insult to cookiedomem/em
Photo: Gwen Ihnat
Last CallLast CallLast Call is The Takeout’s online watering hole where you can chat, share recipes, and use the comment section as an open thread. Here’s what we’ve been reading/watching/listening around the office today.

Promo cookie marketing fail

Here at the Onion Inc. offices, occasionally one of our benevolent colleagues will bring in a snack for the communal snack table. Today, a delightful coworker from marketing gifted us all with the Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom promo version of Fudge Stripes. Totally appreciate the effort (I know, only I could complain about a free snack), but I don’t know when a cookie has ever made me madder. By my count, it’s the second fail in a row from the Jurassic World marketing department.

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I once made a cheese sauce and didn’t put in enough cheese so it kind of tasted like thick water. This is the cookie version of that bland gastronomical abomination. Despite its bright blue-green shade—which would indicate a mint taste, maybe, possibly a lime—this cookie tastes like nothing but sandy, near-flavorless sweetness. There’s nothing fudgey about them. The package bills them as a “shortbread,” but that is also an insult to shortbread, as these soulless disks lack the buttery, sweet-salty goodness of that cookie genre.

In conclusion, I really hate these cookies. As penance for my whining here, I need to go out and purchase my own contribution to the snack table. Possibly actual Fudge Stripes, or Walker shortbread fingers, which actually do the shortbread name proud. [Gwen Ihnat]

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It’s Gwen’s birthday!

“Happy birthday, Gwen!” this dog is no doubt saying in dog-speak.
“Happy birthday, Gwen!” this dog is no doubt saying in dog-speak.
Photo: Catherine Falls Commercial (Getty Images)

I hope Gwen doesn’t mind me throwing some attention her way. It’s her birthday, y’all, so let’s show The Takeout’s deputy managing editor some love. I’ll start: Gwen is hilarious but also smartly introspective. (I could learn much from her in the latter department.) Want proof? Her mommy-wine piece is one of my favorites. [Kate Bernot]

Gwen Ihnat is the Editorial Coordinator for The A.V. Club.

Kate Bernot is a freelance writer and a certified beer judge. She was previously managing editor at The Takeout.

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DISCUSSION

simon-on-the-river3
simon-on-the-river3

Somewhere I have a booklet talking up DC Comics on their 50th birthday. It includes a little factoid that for many years Superman Peanut Butter was the 2nd most popular peanut butter brand in the US.

It struck me that to achieve that you have shift a lot of jars and by comparison to comics that means most people know Superman from peanut butter rather than the newsstands. I once upset somebody at DC suggesting that.

But it also suggests that to pull that kind of weight it has to be a decent kind of peanut butter. At least when it was nearly top dog. You don’t buy peanut butter for chunks of kryptonite alone. So I presume that for a time it was a quality product. Did a change of recipe cause the decline in sales? I don’t know.

Anyway, around the time the first Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles (yes I know what I said and will explain another time) cartoon or movie aired, a bakery firm in the UK released some tie-in Bakewell Tarts. God they were awful. Inedible.

Not sure how long they were on the market but they did eventually vanish from the shelves.

So that made me wonder what are the tie-in food products that we keep eating once the novelty has worn off? Which ones are really tasty? I mean I’d kill for a Dalek Death Ray and Wall’s missed a trick not doing a revival for the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who. But hey, FAB lollies are still around.

What were the products that were soul-crushingly awful? I’ve seen some themed spaghetti-shapes that looked suspect recently.

Anyway,

Happy Birthday, Gwen.