Here at the Onion Inc. offices, occasionally one of our benevolent colleagues will bring in a snack for the communal snack table. Today, a delightful coworker from marketing gifted us all with the Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom promo version of Fudge Stripes. Totally appreciate the effort (I know, only I could complain about a free snack), but I don’t know when a cookie has ever made me madder. By my count, it’s the second fail in a row from the Jurassic World marketing department.
I once made a cheese sauce and didn’t put in enough cheese so it kind of tasted like thick water. This is the cookie version of that bland gastronomical abomination. Despite its bright blue-green shade—which would indicate a mint taste, maybe, possibly a lime—this cookie tastes like nothing but sandy, near-flavorless sweetness. There’s nothing fudgey about them. The package bills them as a “shortbread,” but that is also an insult to shortbread, as these soulless disks lack the buttery, sweet-salty goodness of that cookie genre.
In conclusion, I really hate these cookies. As penance for my whining here, I need to go out and purchase my own contribution to the snack table. Possibly actual Fudge Stripes, or Walker shortbread fingers, which actually do the shortbread name proud. [Gwen Ihnat]
I hope Gwen doesn’t mind me throwing some attention her way. It’s her birthday, y’all, so let’s show The Takeout’s deputy managing editor some love. I’ll start: Gwen is hilarious but also smartly introspective. (I could learn much from her in the latter department.) Want proof? Her mommy-wine piece is one of my favorites. [Kate Bernot]