Like a lot of us, Steph Tilneac has a dream. And, like a lot of young people today, she has decided to rely upon TikTok to make that dream come true. Tilneac’s dream is to write songs for Kidz Bop, the series of compilation albums in which kids sing kid-friendly versions of pop songs. An actual kid has confirmed for The Takeout that “Kidz Bop sucks,” but he’s 12, so he’s probably aged out of the target demographic.
Anyway, Tilneac has set herself a real Kidz Bop challenge, this year’s song of the summer: “WAP” by Cardi B with Megan Thee Stallion. This is the song that has infuriated conservative commentators who are concerned about the youth of America and embarrassed YouTube to the point of censorship. This is because “WAP,” as we all know now, stands for “wet-ass pussy,” and if any of you have been put in the position of having to explain this to a child, I’d like to know about it. (Do you say, “A kitty cat that got caught in the rain?”)
In Tilneac’s kid-friendly version, “WAP” stands for “waffles and pancakes.” The sample line “There’s some whores in this house” has been changed to “There’s some kids in this house.” There have been other alterations, too: the notorious “bucket and a mop” line has been changed to “Bring a knife and a fork for these waffles and pancakes.”
Tilneac doesn’t rap with quite the panache of Cardi B, but then again, waffles and pancakes are things that we can all definitely get behind. Give me everything you got for these waffles and pancakes. And then help Tilneac become the Kidz Bop superstar she was clearly destined to be.