News that Kylie Jenner has, for the first time in her 21 years on earth, tried cereal with milk has rocked the Twittersphere, in the way meaningless shit on social media diverts our attention like jangling keys in front an infant (For the record, it was Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which receives her seal of approval, and was, we quote: “amazing”).
That a privileged television personality never ate what we sad-sacked plebeians shoveled into our mouth isn’t the point. Much like that fun party game of “What movie have you never seen that you’re embarrassed to admit?”, we also have our food blind spots. So rather than mock Ms. Jenner, we stand in solidarity, and bravely admit all the foods that we—supposed food writers—have never tried in our lives. (Bonus! We’ll also tell you what movies we haven’t seen that we should.)
I’ve never had veal, I’ve never had sardines, and I’ve never had an apricot that wasn’t dried. Those all sound pretty lame. But I made a coffee run before writing this and realized I’ve never had a bear claw. It’s just a big doughnut, right? Or maybe like a Danish? I don’t know, because I have never had one.
As for movies, I checked my two biggest blindspots off my list in the last six months: The Goonies and The Breakfast Club. I have also never seen The Exorcist or The Room, both of which are sitting on top of my DVD player right now. I am exceedingly boring.
I have never tasted straight-up tomato juice. Why would I? It looks like blood. I just can’t imagine anyone thinking, “Oh, you now what would be a really refreshing drink right now? Tomato juice with a wedge of lemon in it” and drinking it down. I just can’t. I imagine it tastes like watered-down ketchup. Every once in a while, I spy a friend’s Bloody Mary and think it looks appealing, hands-down the only acceptable vehicle for tomato juice. They may encourage me to take a sip, and once I do, even that spicy, booze-filled mouthful makes me remember my original stance, and I scurry back to my no-tomato-juice-ever corner.
I’ve also never seen Blazing Saddles. I know, comedic masterpiece. Maybe it’s the fart scene that’s kept me away (not really my kind of humor), but I swear, I’ll get there eventually.
As the editor of this site and former restaurant critic, this took a bit of thinking. I have eaten a lot of things in my life. I have eaten horse, snake, and assorted animal dicks. What I’ve never eaten, however, are foods associated with American childhoods, as I didn’t live in this country until age 11. I’ve never had a Fluffernutter sandwich. I’ve never had Dunkaroo Dip. I’ve never had Ants on a Log.
The list of films I haven’t seen is long and egregious. But I’ll just admit to one, and face the torrent of criticism: I’ve never seen The Princess Bride <ducks>.
Guys, I’ve never eaten a Twinkie. It’s not like I’m opposed, it just... never happened. Because of this, I can safely assume my best culinary moments are still ahead of me.
I’ve also never seen The Godfather all the way through, which is quite a feat when you grow up in New Jersey. (I have seen Goodfellas approximately 100 times as if to compensate.)