The best kind of sex is obligatory sex—no matter how frisky you’re feeling, you’re required to “get it on” because your calendar told you to. This Valentine’s Day, obligatory sex is about to get even better, because now it (finally!) has an official corporate sponsor: Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.
According to a press release issued by Kraft, a whopping 86% of parents want to get intimate with their partner this Valentine’s Day, but 1 in 4 parents says that probably ain’t happening thanks to their kids. Also, even though Valentine’s Day is more than a week away, at least 70% of those surveyed know in their hearts that they’re already too tired for sex.
Though your children are utterly relentless in carrying out their mission to ensure you never have sex again, Kraft has a plan to foil those children with its newest product: gigantic microwaveable bowls of Macaroni & Cheese that will put your kids right to sleep so you can run up to the bedroom and have a quickie on a bed piled with unfolded laundry and Legos. Why is Kraft so interested in your sex life? Because if you people aren’t boning on the regular, you won’t more kids who will spend the first 10 years of their lives subsisting almost exclusively on Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. Plus, if you get knocked up on Valentine’s Day, you’ll be able to pop out another future customer during Q4, which will make shareholders extremely happy.
If you want the new Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Big Bowls in time for Valentine’s Day, you’ll need to enter a sweepstakes using your personal information, perhaps so that Kraft can keep tabs on your sexual adventures and send you coupons when it senses a dry spell. Winners will not only get a big bowl of microwaveable Macaroni & Cheese, but also “some romantic goodies” like candles, rose petals, and a card. The press release says nothing about flavored lube, which I feel is a huge missed opportunity.
For those of us who don’t care for the performance anxiety that comes with obligatory Valentine’s sex, you can purchase the new Mac & Cheese online starting on February 15 and in grocery stores starting in March, so you can bone on your own schedule.