Full disclosure: I do not find anything about food to be sexy. Are chocolate-covered strawberries delicious? Absolutely. Does the thought of Regé-Jean Page feeding me chocolatey berries send me into a tizzy? Surprisingly, no. All due respect to that regal gem of a man, but food just doesn’t scream “sexual passion” in my book.
That is why I am embarrassed to admit that upon first glance at some of the kitchen gadgets on the market, I can’t help but giggle to myself like a preteen who just heard someone say “butt.” Maybe my immature mind is trapped in the gutter, or maybe some product design teams out there are having a little too much fun in the kitchen. But seriously, don’t some of these products look like they... might not belong in the kitchen?
The actual purpose of this little banana violator is to remove the core while it’s still in the peel, which is accomplished by grabbing the banana by its shaft, sliding it onto an elongated metal protrusion, and then filling the hole with a creamy substance (spread, jam, whatever you want). Just make sure you slide the tool deep enough!
I said what I said. Though I definitely wouldn’t recommend using a fruit reamer as a stopper for your rear (and I hope no one else out there would recommend it either). I can see the logic, as many of them are designed in a way that’s meant to really get into the core of a fruit, but you’re better off using each product for its intended purpose.
And while I hate to question the innocence of such a sweet berry, it would be a flat-out lie to say that this Chef’n Strawberry Huller you can purchase at Crate and Barrel doesn’t bear a strong resemblance to this strawberry-shaped butt plug on Etsy.
Look, tools designed for people with low grip strength are an objectively great thing, and everyone should sell them. It’s just that the forceful grip that this can opener allows for can send the imagination down some of the dirtier avenues of one’s mind.
With different grip measurements—for different sized jars, of course—this gadget can be the perfect fit for
anyone anything. Just be careful not to squeeze too tightly. You wouldn’t want anything to break, would you?
The way this slicer rotates snugly around sizable, cylindrical produce like zucchinis, cucumbers, and carrots makes you wonder what it could do to the exes who have mistreated you. But hopefully no one lets their mind linger there for too long. Potentially gruesome revenge-motivated injuries aside, this slicer also resembles the many highly functional rings often found in sex shops.
I’m hoping HR and IT stay out of my browser history after this journalistic endeavor. But if this roundup inspires even one person to add these suggestively shaped kitchen gadgets for their own sexy setup, then I guess it was all in a day’s work.