Hey, parents, guess what you’re going to be eating for breakfast for the next ten years? That’s right, Minecraft is finally a cereal, and if you don’t run out right now and buy a few dozen boxes of crispity crunchity cinnamon bites and green “Creeper Bit” marshmallows, your child is going to lose it. That might sound hyperbolic, but as I write this I’ve got two kids screaming at me for not having already purchased Minecraft cereal, even though I only learned of its existence this morning (as did they). Children do not care about their parents’ inability to control space-time, because moms are supposed to know everything about everything at all times. (Except things that are cool, of course, because they have informed me that I am “mad cringey.”)
Each serving of Minecraft Creeper Crunch cereal contains 12 grams of sugar, putting it on par with Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms. We can all but confirm that your child will be eating several bowls a day, because every box contains an exclusive code that will unlock one of 10 exclusive in-game clothing items. According to my kids, this is a very big deal. Maybe Minecraft could introduce a feature that teaches kids how to put clothing items in the goddamn laundry.