Josh Groban serves us the ballad we’ve all bean waiting for

Picture of Josh Groban next to photo of beans
Hey, handsome: Leg U + Me? <3
Photo: Tasos Katopodis / Stringer (Getty Images), CRISTINA ALDEHUELA (Getty Images)

I like to think of myself as a discerning reporter. In my J. Jonah Jameson-tinged fantasies, I’m puffing a fat cigar in my smoky office while breaking the latest food news on a rusty typewriter. Every time a goofy press release comes in, I cock my fedora, give the release a cursory glance, then chuck it into a junk pile screaming, “Now, this ain’t news, see!” But when I receive a PR email featuring my ultimate celeb crush, Josh Groban? The handsome choir boy? And the email also involves beans? The musical fruit? My judgement goes out the window. The people have to know.

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I’m referring to an announcement Bush’s Beans sent to The Takeout mere moments ago. According to the release, Bush’s is rebranding as “That Beautiful Bean Co.,” and the company is kicking off the rebrand with a beautiful bean ballad penned and performed by none other than the future fava of my children, Josh Groban. (Grobean? Grobean!!!)

The song is a “much-needed replacement of the notorious bean song”—you know, the one about the musical fruit. I won’t give too much away, but the music video flashes back to Groban’s childhood and progresses to a celebration of the mighty legume. “When I was a little boy, the kids could be so mean, mean, mean,” Groban croons. “Laughing at what was in my lunch pail—beans, beans, beans.” Curse those bullies harassing my beautiful bean boy! Why, I’d give a kidney to free him from their pestering.

Bean-hold, a guitar made of beans
Bean-hold, a guitar made of beans
Graphic: Bush’s Beans

“Bean Song” progresses to a rousing chorus that goes thusly: “Tears of beans / are dribbling down my cheek at night / Dreams of beans / I’m on a cannellini cloud floating through the moonlit night.”

The song is spirited to say the least. In fact, I daresay it... raises me up. It also seems like the partnership was meant to bean. “I like the unexpected, and I love beans,” said Groban in the press release. According to the release, Bush’s is also donating 250,000 cans of Bush’s Beans to Feeding America “to help spread even more bean goodness” in honor of the ballad. Oh, sweet Josh. Oh, sweet beans! Cut it and print it, baby—this is my kind of news day.

Staff writer @ The Takeout, joke writer elsewhere. Wrangling dogs and pork shoulder in Chicago.

DISCUSSION

Dr Emilio Lizardo

Speaking of cannellini clouds, is there a cannellini shortage? I haven’t been able to find dried or canned in several stores for at least a month. Mostly I’ve substituted red kidney beans.