Ooh, I just found this at Dairyfoods.com, and I need to share it, unabridged: “Advanced Food Products LLC, New Holland, Pa., a division of Bongrain Cheese USA, has entered into a licensing agreement with Jelly Belly Candy Co., Fairfield, Calif., to produce Jelly Belly Pudding Snacks. These dairy-based desserts are scheduled for a January roll out in Wal-Mart stores nationwide. Described as having ‘authentic Jelly Belly flavor,’ the puddings come in six varieties: Blueberry, Bubble Gum, Green Apple, Peach, Very Cherry and Watermelon. Fortified with calcium, fiber (in the form of inulin) and the omega-3 fatty acid docosahexaenoic acid (DHA), the puddings are sold in packs of four 3.5-oz cups. According to the companies, the Jelly Belly brand has 94% brand awareness.”

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A division of Bongrain Cheese USA? Fucking amazing. And notice how Buttered Popcorn is absent from that list, replaced by Peach. Hmmm… There’s something fishy going on at the lab. (Which reminds me, you should all be watching Better Off Ted.)

Office reactions:

• “I know you can’t expect any sort of ‘natural’ flavor from Jelly Belly pudding, but these just seem so half-assed. It’s like they expect the eye-searing colors to do most of the work. They all have a dull, unpalatable taste—I expected some tartness at least, but these were all just grossly bland.”

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• “The color reminded me that this must be how the imaginary food tastes in Hook.”

• “I had this Pavlovian response to chew the bubblegum flavor. It felt wrong to swallow it.”

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• “It tastes like that flavored numbing stuff dentists give kids.”

• “This isn’t popcorn-flavored; it’s abomination-flavored. My stomach actually cramped a bit swallowing this. I need gum immediately.”

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• “All of these were crap. Too sweet, artificially flavored, and unnaturally colored. The carbonated yogurts were slightly better, thanks to the novelty factor.”

• “Can I say that cherry reminded me of menstrual blood? Tasted like weak Kool-Aid and milk.”

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• “All of these are a little runny, but watermelon lives up to the ‘water’ part of its name. It’s even runnier. And grosser.”

• “Cherry could be worse. I can’t imagine eating more than a small spoonful of any of these, but this is less repugnant than the others.”

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• “Green Apple would have been better if the yogurt had been more tart, but too much sugar made the flavor very light.”

• “Just another stop on the express train of grossness. Really, does anyone eat this shit? I’d feel guilty giving it to starving people in Third World countries.”

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• “The blueberry color is really unappetizing. Can’t say the taste did much to improve my opinion.”

• “These are all just variations on the same dull, gross taste. Only this is slightly blueberry-flavored. It also has a chalky flavor underneath the pudding sliminess.”

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• “Others say bubblegum was the most accurate of the bunch. I thought it tasted a lot like the cherry.”

• “Hey, who wants to swallow thick, sorta creamy bubblegum? Oh right, no one. I know some gum tastes so good you want to eat it, but in pudding form, that’s a terrible idea.”

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• “Buttered Popcorn is the most faithful to its Jelly Belly counterpart, and so it manages to be just as revolting.”

Where to get them: Wal-Mart, apparently, though we got ours from a website called www.tasteofamerica4u.com.