Jelly Belly debuts sparkling water and the flavors are way too normal

Illustration for article titled Jelly Belly debuts sparkling water and the flavors are way too normal
Photo: David Paul Morris (Getty Images)

Love jelly beans, but wish they were drinkable, had about a third of the flavor punch, and kind of hurt the back of your throat? Then you’ll be thrilled to learn that Jelly Belly is releasing its own line of carbonated beverages based on its own iconic candy flavors!

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For right now, the Jelly Belly waters will come in the following flavors: French Vanilla, Lemon Lime, Orange Sherbet, Piña Colada, Pink Grapefruit, Tangerine, Very Cherry, and Watermelon. They’ll all be zero calories (a big cut from the average Jelly Belly bean, which is four calories a pop) and will be composed of just carbonated water and natural sweeteners. No added sugars, no sodium, no extra sweeteners. The waters will be available for purchase at Hy-Vee, an Upper Midwest grocery store chain. That checks out, given LaCroix is an export of western Wisconsin; we Midwestern folk love our alcohol-free bubbly.

Those flavors all sound well and good, but a bit, well, safe. Jelly Belly didn’t win its way into our hearts with watermelon candy; we love them because of their weird and gross flavors! Which I believe would translate seamlessly into carbonated water form. Attention, Jelly Belly execs, I have some flavor pitches:

Buttered Popcorn: The perfect bubbly water for anyone who loves going to the movies but hates feeling satisfied in any way.

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Classic Cocktail Package: Yes, Jelly Belly makes an alcohol-free package of cocktail-flavored beans, including mojito, margarita, and cosmopolitan. The water version would be ideal for those who love drinking, but not really at all!

Tabasco: Looking to get out of hosting duties for the rest of your life? Just serve guests Tabasco-flavored sparkling water.

Toasted Marshmallow: For camping! Combine it with a sip of Chocolate Pudding water to taste the withered husk of a s’more.

I’m confident you freaks are clamoring for carbonated Jelly Belly flavors of your own, so by all means, do sound off in the comments.

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DISCUSSION

Dr Emilio Lizardo

Aside from the ironic flavors (Earwax, Earthworm, etc), Buttered Popcorn is the worst Jelly Belly flavors.