The worst thing I’ve ever done involved a pitcher of beer and a mile-long foot race sponsored by an Irish pub called Dublin’s Pass. I chugged my portion of the pitcher, handed it back to a server in thigh-high shamrock socks, sprinted a quarter of a mile, rolled my ankle, stumbled back to my friend’s car, and puked a small puke into my hands on the way home.
My ill-fated Beer Mile was child’s play compared to a recent video tweeted by fellow Chicagoan Ben Briggs. The video, entitled “Wine Mile - An Endurance/Pain Experience Video,” shows Briggs chugging two bottles of “light-colored wine” before embarking on a speedy mile through Chicago’s Logan Square neighborhood.
Delighted, I watched the video three times before sliding into Briggs’ Twitter DMs to get a few specifics. He told me that, prior to the run, he spent about an hour drinking a bottle and a half of Cupcake brand wine (specifically, Cupcake Butterkissed Chardonnay and Cupcake Rosé). “I also ate about four servings of Red Vines and that is why my lips are so red in the video,” Briggs told me over DM.
The video is just over two minutes long, and Briggs had to make some hard editing choices. “I had a lot of video of me singing my favorite songs from 2004 and 2005 that didn’t make the final cut,” Briggs explained. “Also, my impression of Dragline from the movie Cool Hand Luke didn’t make it, and that was difficult for me.” He was, however, able to include several highlights including his breathless Joe Biden impression (“Hey, I stepped on my dog, pal”), a brief monologue from The Irishman (“His kids killed him!”), a celebration of the word “fuck,” and a final challenge to Olivia Wilde and Jack Antonoff to run the Wine Mile.
Ultimately, Briggs discourages others from attempting a similar feat. “It was fun to make, but I would not recommend anyone doing this, especially not on a 95-degree day (and on the Fourth of July - or any other bank holiday),” Briggs cautioned. Go forth into the weekend with this in mind, readers.