Last Call: What does your zodiac sign say about your taste in coffee creamer?

Illustration for article titled Last Call: What does your zodiac sign say about your taste in coffee creamer?
Image: International Delight

Once upon a time, you needed an actual astrologer to read your horoscope. But now we live in a golden age of astrology, where anyone can receive personalized daily guidance from Co-Star, The Pattern, and, um, International Delight Coffee Creamer.

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Yes, the company that specializes in flavored non-dairy coffee creamer has decided to look to the stars. As a sign of its seriousness, it has paired with astrologer Susan Miller, the author of the popular website Astrology Zone, so you know these readings are totally accurate.

As a Virgo, I’m used to getting screwed over by astrology and being told that I am boring and persnickety and no fun at all. (I mean, they don’t actually say that, but here are two things Co-Star has posted about us on Twitter this week: “All they really want is for their physical needs to be translated into data so they can synthesize it and calculate a proper response” and “Most commonly used phrase: ‘You are factually incorrect.’” I think these two things may actually be true, which makes me even angrier.) I totally expected that my International Delight creamer horoscope would be vanilla, because that’s how life is when you’re a Virgo. But instead, I got... hazelnut. Because “you are known to prefer the classic over the trendy.”

My mom, also a Virgo, keeps hazelnut-flavored Keurig pods in her house for the rare occasions when she drinks coffee, so maybe this checks out?

Meanwhile, French vanilla went to Cancer because it’s “a classic fan-favorite loved by just about everyone.” Of course.

My colleague Allison Robicelli was dismissive of her own creamer horoscope, which turned out to be white chocolate mocha. “I am a Leo and no creamer can contain us,” she said. Which is what you would expect a Leo to say. (It would never occur to a Virgo to question the authority of a horoscope.) Marnie Shure, though, is a candy-loving Pisces, and her creamer is birthday cake, which seemed entirely appropriate.

Anyway, here is the horoscope for your reading pleasure. I hope you find as much enlightenment as we did.

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Associate editor of The Takeout. Chicagoan. Owned by dog.

DISCUSSION

pollyq
PollyQ

@Aimee — be glad you’re not a Scorpio, which pop culture interprets as basically being Voldemort.