Whether you live in a shoebox urban apartment or a dreamy palace in the Hamptons, apparently we’re all going a little insane in quarantine. Here to prove it is Ina Garten. The Barefoot Contessa star took to Instagram yesterday to make a Cosmopolitan of frankly staggering proportions in what is most likely a cry for help. “You need a big pitcher, because I like to make a lot of Cosmos. You never know who’s gonna stop by,” Garten says, likely referring to her inexhaustible supply of posh gay men who inevitably show up to eat her cooking. “Wait a minute—nobody’s stopping by!”
Ina proceeds to make a pitcher of Cosmos using the following ingredients:
- 2 CUPS VODKA (reader, I heaved)
- 1 cup triple sec
- 1 cup cranberry juice cocktail
- ½ cup freshly squeezed lime juice
The culinary royal summons a cocktail shaker the size of a newborn infant to blend the liquids. “During a crisis, you know, cocktail hour can be almost any hour,” she quips mid-shake. She then unveils a martini glass as tall as her torso and pours the concoction in. This martini glass exists, I can only imagine, to make a very large person appear much smaller than they are. “Stay safe, have a very good time, and don’t forget the cocktails!”
This is all good and fun, but a major question remains: Where the hell is Jeffrey? Ina’s husband is presumably somewhere in their East Hampton abode. He must’ve heard the pitch for this video and decided to stay the hell away for the five minutes of its production. I imagine he’s taking a socially distanced walk on the beach, wistfully awaiting the days when he and Ina can host again, so he can watch, smiling, as his wife gets tanked with a bunch of hot younger dudes. Le sigh.