If you’re going to go about world domination, the best strategy is to get people where they’re most comfortable—that is, to infiltrate their homes. And so Impossible Foods is making its debut in the nation’s grocery stores this very day. No more waiting in line at fast food joints! No more worrying about the viability of supply chains. No more bitching about the toppings on a White Castle slider or a Burger King burger. You can have the Impossible Burger at home just the way you want it. What a time to be alive!
The bad news is that Impossible Food is only at 27 grocery stores so far, all Gelson’s Food in Los Angeles. But it plans to expand very soon, and cover the entire country by next summer. [ETA: It costs $8.99 for a 12-ounce package.]
What took so long?, you ask. Well, says Impossible Foods, the FDA finally approved soy leghemoglobin, or heme, the “magic ingredient” that makes Impossible Burgers taste like meat. Soy leghemoglobin can also be considered a food coloring apparently?
All this news makes me tired. I realize that we need to feed people, and maybe artificial meat is a better way to do it rather than rationing actual beef (which Americans would probably never stand for anyway), but Impossible Burgers are not actually better for us than real burgers, and vegans aren’t even eating them, so why?
Whatever. It’s been a long week and Southern California is very far away. Goodbye beef. Long live cows, forever and ever. The future is here at last.