Photo: IHOP

IHOP, the breakfast restaurant chain that refuses to stay in its lane, does not want to miss out on today’s food holiday, National Pizza Day. Never mind that IHOP does not serve pizza. Why would that stop them from stealing a slice of that sweet, sweet marketing opportunity? It hasn’t: IHOP has coined the term pancizza (pronounced “pan-keet-za”), and asserts that actually, a pancake is a pizza.

I’ll admit, IHOP fooled me once with its name change to the International House Of Burgers. Shame on me. But this claim that a pancake is a pizza will not fly. I reject it outright. Fool me twice, you—you can’t get fooled again.

Here’s the gist of IHOP’s ruse: National Pizza Day might have you planning to order your favorite delivery pie tonight. But why not order a pancake instead? Remember, pancizzas are pizzas! They’re round, and topped with stuff like syrup and butter. You can even cut them into slice and lift a triangle out with a pizza server like a completely unhinged person. Should you buy into this nonsense, you can order a 7-inch IHOP pancizza for delivery via DoorDash tomorrow through Saturday if you live in Chicago, Dallas, Los Angeles, or New York. That pancizza comes with your choice of three syrup flavors: buttermilk; bacon and cheddar; and cupcake.

To reiterate: IHOP would like you to believe that a cupcake syrup-topped pancake is a pizza. Utter nonsense, I say. In a completely unrelated programming note, tune in next month when The Takeout debuts a new series in which we ask celebrities “Is a pancake a pizza?”